Are You OKAY? & She Was My Friend.
2016 hasn't really been a great year for me, especially at the start. I lost a friend forever, in one of the worst way ever. I lost something inside me that I wish I could take it back. I lost the people that I care about. I postponed my thesis cause I couldn't cope with my studies. Slowly, I was losing hope, faith, and leading towards depression. I was broken, and I think I was at the lowest point in my life, so far. As I was going through the phase of "It is OKAY not to be okay" following my recent post, slowly, I got better.
One day when I was at uni, it was this "Are you OK?" day. Apparently this 'thing' has been going on for a few years now. I asked the lady who was working at the booth on how did it start. She said the founder of this "Are you OK" foundation, his dad committed suicide and he didn't know about the dad's depression. This triggered me. And what really amazed me was what he did after that, starting this incredible foundation to help others. It is GOOD to actually ask people "Are you Okay?", although most people will just answer 'yes I am okay' even when they're not! But the point is not expecting them to tell you their whole life story, but to actually let them know that you care, that you notice something is wrong, that you are there for them, that you can listen, or better yet, help! Because sometimes, some people just need to know that there is someone out there that cares about them. That they are not hopeless and meaningless in this world, that their existence mean something to someone etc.
If only I could do more for my friend, if only I agreed to see her the night before she decided to leave us all forever. If only I just said "Yeah sure I'll see you soon" instead of "I'm sorry I can't I am at uni right now." and she was gone the next day. If only I was not too busy with my studies, if only I knew how to manage my time better with my studies and work, if only I had more time with her, if only, if only, if only.... Maybe.... Things would've been different. And the worst part is, I knew what she was going through, but I didn't know it was that bad. I tried to be there for her whenever I can, but not enough. And for this, I am sorry. I really am. She was one of my best friend.
I don't think I ever will fully understand why you did what you did. I was angry at you as well for leaving us, leaving me. But you were in pain. And people say that now you are in peace. I really hope so though. You have no idea how much I miss you. People keep saying it is no ones fault, that it was her decision to make. Well, I know that. But somehow, I still have this massive guilt in me, that I will forever have. I don't think I will ever get over it, that I will forever carry it with me, but I will learn to DEAL with it. What I do after this is what matters. I can't change the past, but I CAN shape the future. I can LEARN from this. So this is it. What I am sharing with my fellow readers right now, is something freaking huge alright. I am not doing it to get any unnecessary attention or what so ever, but just to simply share and hopefully, help.
"Suicide doesn't take away the pain, it passes on to someone else." This is true. So true. When my friend passed away, I couldn't see the light of day anymore. I was a wreck for months (I still kinda am from time to time). I used to break down every single day, I had these thoughts in my mind, awful thoughts. But slowly, I started reaching out. I think, one of the most important way to deal with this is start by reaching out. To God, or friends, or family, anyone, just reach out. When I started reaching out to my friends, I got better. Slowly, but surely. Sometimes I even cry and keep telling my friends that I can't do it anymore, just like when she told me she can't do it anymore. I was also scared, scared what if I ended up like her. That slowly I will give up on life, on everything, and just want everything to end. People who were close to me kept reaching out to me, asking me if I am okay, letting me know that I AM LOVED, and I am NOT alone, that I CAN get through this, etc. Thank You.
Long story short, here I am. Looking back at where I was, how lost I was, hopeless, I almost gave up. But here I am now, starting to pick up on my studies again, going on holidays searching for new adventures, striving for new experience, making new friends, loving myself more and more each day, appreciating the people around me, people who never left my sight when I needed them the most, waking up every morning and smile. I used to cry every time I wake up, when I am about to sleep, when I am in the shower, all the damn time. Kept telling myself 'Oh, here we go again' every time I wake up. But now, I cry less and I smile more. I used to wear a mask whenever I step outside my house, pretending and 'trying' to be "OKAY". But now, I am no longer wearing a mask. When I am okay, I am grateful. When I am not okay, I actually try to be okay but not because I am pretending to be, but because I am strong. Because I KNOW I can get through this.
I am definitely a stronger person compared to who I was before. I manage my time better now as well, because no one is ever 'too busy', it is all about priorities and time management. I am sorry for those who I treated wrongly in the past. I can type 2000 more words but I won't, I shall give it a day. I am sorry if my writing is not that great for this post or if I keep repeating myself. But I am legit just typing and straight away posting this.
For anyone out there who is going through something similar as I did, please, you CAN get through it. Lower down your ego, your pride, just let it all in, and reach out. I am so happy with the amount of emails I received from my previous post. Thank you all for your support and feel free to share anything with me. I may not be able to help or change whatever happened in the past, but it is what I do NOW that matters. Same goes to all of you. The world is a beautiful place, only if you know where to focus on. So, are you OKAY?
One day when I was at uni, it was this "Are you OK?" day. Apparently this 'thing' has been going on for a few years now. I asked the lady who was working at the booth on how did it start. She said the founder of this "Are you OK" foundation, his dad committed suicide and he didn't know about the dad's depression. This triggered me. And what really amazed me was what he did after that, starting this incredible foundation to help others. It is GOOD to actually ask people "Are you Okay?", although most people will just answer 'yes I am okay' even when they're not! But the point is not expecting them to tell you their whole life story, but to actually let them know that you care, that you notice something is wrong, that you are there for them, that you can listen, or better yet, help! Because sometimes, some people just need to know that there is someone out there that cares about them. That they are not hopeless and meaningless in this world, that their existence mean something to someone etc.
If only I could do more for my friend, if only I agreed to see her the night before she decided to leave us all forever. If only I just said "Yeah sure I'll see you soon" instead of "I'm sorry I can't I am at uni right now." and she was gone the next day. If only I was not too busy with my studies, if only I knew how to manage my time better with my studies and work, if only I had more time with her, if only, if only, if only.... Maybe.... Things would've been different. And the worst part is, I knew what she was going through, but I didn't know it was that bad. I tried to be there for her whenever I can, but not enough. And for this, I am sorry. I really am. She was one of my best friend.
I don't think I ever will fully understand why you did what you did. I was angry at you as well for leaving us, leaving me. But you were in pain. And people say that now you are in peace. I really hope so though. You have no idea how much I miss you. People keep saying it is no ones fault, that it was her decision to make. Well, I know that. But somehow, I still have this massive guilt in me, that I will forever have. I don't think I will ever get over it, that I will forever carry it with me, but I will learn to DEAL with it. What I do after this is what matters. I can't change the past, but I CAN shape the future. I can LEARN from this. So this is it. What I am sharing with my fellow readers right now, is something freaking huge alright. I am not doing it to get any unnecessary attention or what so ever, but just to simply share and hopefully, help.
"Suicide doesn't take away the pain, it passes on to someone else." This is true. So true. When my friend passed away, I couldn't see the light of day anymore. I was a wreck for months (I still kinda am from time to time). I used to break down every single day, I had these thoughts in my mind, awful thoughts. But slowly, I started reaching out. I think, one of the most important way to deal with this is start by reaching out. To God, or friends, or family, anyone, just reach out. When I started reaching out to my friends, I got better. Slowly, but surely. Sometimes I even cry and keep telling my friends that I can't do it anymore, just like when she told me she can't do it anymore. I was also scared, scared what if I ended up like her. That slowly I will give up on life, on everything, and just want everything to end. People who were close to me kept reaching out to me, asking me if I am okay, letting me know that I AM LOVED, and I am NOT alone, that I CAN get through this, etc. Thank You.
Long story short, here I am. Looking back at where I was, how lost I was, hopeless, I almost gave up. But here I am now, starting to pick up on my studies again, going on holidays searching for new adventures, striving for new experience, making new friends, loving myself more and more each day, appreciating the people around me, people who never left my sight when I needed them the most, waking up every morning and smile. I used to cry every time I wake up, when I am about to sleep, when I am in the shower, all the damn time. Kept telling myself 'Oh, here we go again' every time I wake up. But now, I cry less and I smile more. I used to wear a mask whenever I step outside my house, pretending and 'trying' to be "OKAY". But now, I am no longer wearing a mask. When I am okay, I am grateful. When I am not okay, I actually try to be okay but not because I am pretending to be, but because I am strong. Because I KNOW I can get through this.
I am definitely a stronger person compared to who I was before. I manage my time better now as well, because no one is ever 'too busy', it is all about priorities and time management. I am sorry for those who I treated wrongly in the past. I can type 2000 more words but I won't, I shall give it a day. I am sorry if my writing is not that great for this post or if I keep repeating myself. But I am legit just typing and straight away posting this.
For anyone out there who is going through something similar as I did, please, you CAN get through it. Lower down your ego, your pride, just let it all in, and reach out. I am so happy with the amount of emails I received from my previous post. Thank you all for your support and feel free to share anything with me. I may not be able to help or change whatever happened in the past, but it is what I do NOW that matters. Same goes to all of you. The world is a beautiful place, only if you know where to focus on. So, are you OKAY?
Sharing with you one of my last moments with my friend. She was the first person that I went to Elizabeth Quay with. It started with a jog by Swan River, but ended up checking out the opening of Elizabeth Quay, and then dinner and dessert. My friends all know how much I love to EAT. It was a beautiful day. I love you, and I miss you, always.
She was beautiful
She was smart
She was crazily talented
She was broken
She was strong
She was like summer breeze
She was exceptional
She was a dreamer
She was unstoppable
She was magical
She was tough
She was fearless
She was sunshine
She was a princess
She was my friend
Loving her and having her in my life was a splendid adventure
I forever will miss you, and will always have a place for you in my heart
Rest in peace my friend, my dear, my love.
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